Create First, Reflect Later: I've Had A Breakthrough!

The world often wants us to consider, plan and prepare before taking action. School and Society teach us to plan. To carefully prepare our thoughts, answers and outcomes based on research. To work within a clear structure. Even in our creative practice.

Sketches of jewellery designs that I created after the jewellery was made. My sketchbooks are mostly reverse-engineered. I can copy what is in front of me, but not imagine what is possible to create.

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We are told to create, we must first engage in 'Artists Research' or start by documenting our inspiration from the world around us. We must collage, sketch, annotate and develop our designs. Only then may we move on to the making phase. But for many, this does not come naturally.

The Reason I've Struggled To 'Start' This Project:

The funding application I submitted stated that I would carry out my project by working in this traditionally expected way. I was proposing to explore ways to overcome my struggles around designing jewellery by following a rigid plan. Why did I think that would work? The truth is, I just hoped it would. My latest attempt to force myself to work in a way my brain actively resists, so I could feel accomplished and worthy.

This year, I have felt as if I haven't been working on my project. I have been procrastinating for six months. As the funding deadline loomed, I felt like I was woefully behind. In reality, I had completed a lot of work, but I just hadn't documented it in the way I stated and hopped I would.

One of the biggest things I've noticed this year is that I am struggling to document. To share 'proof' of creativity in both my own work and my students. I used to find this easy as long as I did it 'in the moment'. People often asked how I managed to post so much online, as I told them it was because I wrote it quickly, as soon as I had finished creating. I didn't give my brain time to disengage or overthink.

I have been way less active on social media this year as I have lost the ability to easily juggle 'doing' with 'sharing'. But this doesn't mean that creativity is not happening.

It just means if I want to document it, I have to work backwards and allow myself time to process and reflect.

As with this project, to complete it, I have to 'follow' my original plan, by going back to it now that the jewellery is made, and reverse engineer the 'planning'.

I've been working in this way for as long as I can remember; I just wasn't always fully aware of what I was doing, as I was focusing on and getting frustrated by what I hadn't managed to do.

Working Backwards:

When I decide to create a piece of jewellery, I often procrastinate, stuck and unable to visualise the first step or a glimmer of an idea. It's not until the final hours of a hard deadline that my hands start working. In a short space of time, a fully formed piece of jewellery appears, as if from nowhere. It has always been the same with written projects, too.

I was diagnosed with dyslexia at university, and while I do struggle to read and write, I knew this couldn't be my main issue, as when I did finally manage to submit work at the last minute, it often received a high grade. If I were purely dyslexic and left written work until the last moment, it would be incomprehensible. So, something else was my main cause for struggle.

Aphantasia. While I felt I was procrastinating and frozen, I was actually planning and processing. I just wasn't aware this was taking place due to aphantasia. My brains 'computer' was working, but my screen and speakers were turned off, so I couldn't see or hear my ideas. As soon as the piece of jewellery is made, I have a tangible object and can therefore clearly see 'the story' behind it as if it were carefully planned. For the planning to show itself, I have to start with the finished piece and work backwards.

Tell Me A Story:

My Partner always says, "Tell me a story". Any story would do, from a tidbit about my day to some imaginary tale. But I always go blank. I'd need processing time to craft something to say, which defeats the point of the request. But stories are in me!

My Mum recently asked me how I always manage to make things with such strong stories and meaning. And honestly, I have no idea beyond now accepting that they form within my brain, without my knowledge and then show themselves as soon as the piece of jewellery is complete.

Due to aphantasia, I cannot 'show my work'. I get the answer right, but I cannot show how I got there. But by working backwards, I can present the finished article as if it were meticulously and consciously planned.

Embrace The Process:

I have struggled to work in traditional ways for as long as I can remember, and no doubt for the entirety of my life. 'Masking' and trying to meet others' expectations of how you create work rarely works. Therefore, it is high time I embraced my way of working and respect it as my own, legitimate creative practice. Create First, Reflect Later!

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Thought For The Day

Creativity, by its very nature, should not be constrained and made to fit within a box. However you create is legitimate and worthy, and by leaning into the way your brain works best can only enhance your creative practice.